Dear Old Marriage,
I lost my wedding ring. I think. I am not really sure. I don't remember the last time I saw it actually. I remember putting it in the Tiffany Box, and telling myself, "It's in there; don't forget! You'll want to wear it again." Then I went back to look at it one day and it was gone. I think it went the way of the November clean-up. The month pre-Christmas were we purge the house of almost everything in attempts to make room for the new plastic toys. The only reason I took it off in the first place was because, like most wedding rings, it got a little snug. Instead of resizing it I bought a Tiffany band and wore that instead. I put my ring in the Tiffany box, and I like I said before, little hands found it, played with it, and then, unfortunately, lost it.
My little diamond thief, I believe, was playing dress-up one day with my jewelry, even the ones she knows are "special" and that she "shouldn't touch". I think my ring, the diamond that represented a 25 year old, nearly penniless, starving college student and technical support minimum wage working, man that made big sacrifices to buy that ring and marry me, went the way of the whirlwind big tidy-up and is long gone. Regardless, it can't be found. Clearly, I am disappointed. It's my wedding ring. Priceless and valuable. Symbolic in meaning for sure. I hear every weekend officiants explain the importance of the wedding band, how it's meant to remind us of commitment to the person we marry, how it's circular shape depicts eternity. Losing my ring was symbolic, too. The passing of an old marriage. One turned defunct. One lost. One slipped and now only existing in memories.
I have to say goodbye to that marriage, the marriage that belonged to the missing ring. I have to close the doors on those chapters and turn the pages, turn to blank pages waiting to be written.
I am so sad. I feel so curious as to why this new start for us had to happen this way. I have been told countless times that I can't ask "Why?", that there might never be an answer to that question. In my heart I believe there has to be. I believe that there has to be a greater purpose for all of this pain. This heartbreak has to be blessed with some kind of greater purpose! I have to look forward believing that! I have to.
The difficult thing to saying goodbye to the old marriage and the old characters that played out in that marriage is that there are memories of it every day. The outcomes of those years are present, all around me. They are found in the pictures on the walls, the memories from family vacations, the faces of our children. I have to work somehow to reprogram myself to only think of the good that came from that time to only think, "If that marriage hadn't existed, I wouldn't have had my babies..." I have to reprogram to only think positively again about myself and the people in the new marriage. To only draw the positive energies from the universe!!
I need to say goodbye to the years where we were disconnected and emotionally detached. I need to say goodbye to feeling fears and passive aggressive behaviors. I need to say goodbye to second guessing and wondering what is happening inside his mind and mine. I need to somehow, someway, let this all go. And "give it all to God", another cliche that makes me smile. I know that is what I need to do, that too, for some reason is hard for me. I do have faith in Him, faith in a plan and purpose for my life, but I don't have faith right now in my husband. I need to remain positive and be hopeful that I can regain trust with him that he will forever be true to me and our family. I have to say goodbye to a husband I don't trust as well.
I feel so duped. How could I have been so naive? How could I have been so unaware of what was happening for him? How did we get to a point where he couldn't trust me with his feelings? I have to say goodbye to the person in me that was selfish and work absorbed. I need to find my validation from my kids and my husband. I need to refocus my energies on my children and marriage being my greatest accomplishments. I want the new marriage to be reflective of that!
I need to release the resentment that we both held on to for so many years and replace it with compassion. I need to let go of holding on to my feelings for fear of hurting him or for fear of not being understood. I need to be better at connecting with him on the levels he needs. If I give more fully to him then I will, hopefully, see a return on that investment and my needs emotionally will be met!
I worry about saying goodbye to this marriage. I know myself and I know that I have a propensity to bring things up. To resurrect the dead horse and then beat it again to death. Why? Why do I have to keeping talking through things? Why do I have to keep asking questions I know the answers to? Why can't I accept that this happened, and now move on to how to make us better? I feel like the hurt is just so present for me, and that is what I go back to. The memories of what have happened and why the old marriage have to die are so sad for me. The place we are in right now is so agonizing, which makes it so ironic that I wouldn't want to leave this place and go on to find happier days. Again, I feel the fear of having to sort through our problems, and that makes me afraid to turn the page. Not afraid of the work, afraid of the unearthing of more emotion that could potentially be more humbling and hard to walk through. I feel tired, spent. I need some serious happy to come into my life right now! I need to feel uplifted and excited!! I need to have the worry replaced with hope and excitement at a new future. I want to feel healthy and happy emotionally!! I have to say goodbye to all the things I can not change. Our story has been written. We have made choices that we can't change now. All we have is the future, the new marriage, the blank pages, that hopefully will be filled with great memories of two people who were willing to work hard for each other and their marriage!!
I have to say goodbye, to the old marriage. I have to bury it deep. I can't uproot it again if change and progress are going to happen. I have to let go of the ties pulling me down with it. I have to allow the happy memories from the past 14 years to lift me into a new life. I have to say goodbye. I have to let it go. I have to accept what has happened. I have to step forward now into the darkness of change and walk until it gets brighter. I have to remain focused on myself, not in a selfish way, but in a way that allows me to change my faults and weaknesses to be a better person. I have to accept the whole person of my new husband. I need to be compassionate and understanding of his needs. I need to communicate to him better what I need in and effort to model for him how to communicate what he needs.
The old marriage is not a place of comfort or love anymore. It is filled with the ingredients of failure. It is not a place on higher ground. It is filled with ghosts that haunt and demons that fill our hearts with absence and unresponsiveness. The old marriage is one of sadness and agony, tears and unavailability. The old marriage failed, and ended in the worse way possible: unfaithfulness and betrayal. Those poltergeists need to be buried as well. The trails of this pain have to end. The memory of the hurt has to dissipate. It has to change, and I believe it will.
Today, forever, I say goodbye to the old marriage. I say goodbye to the two people who unknowingly lead each other to self destruction and profound heartache and sadness. I bury it all and I lay down my weapons of war in an effort to give my all to the progress and change of the person I want to be in the new marriage. I pray that my heart will change. I pray that I can be a new person. I pray that I can be filled with compassion and love for all of us involved. I pray for a brighter life and a brighter union of 4 people, a brighter bond of my family!!
Goodbye old marriage. Thank you for the blessings you gave me. I hope to find the GOOD in this goodbye.
To the lost ring, I hope I never find you. I think you were lost for a reason, and definite purpose. I wasn't supposed to have you anymore, just as the first marriage wasn't supposed to be anymore! Here's to something new that glitters, sparkles, and shines. Here's to a new circle of friendship, bond, and union. Here is to a better space, time, and place.
I release you old marriage. In fact I bury you deeper than six feet. I no longer want you or the sadness you brought me! I only keep with me the happiness that came from you in the form of my children. The rest can go with you, forever, away from my heart and my soul.
“for every goodbye, God also provides a hello”
― Donna Gable Hatch
Let's see what you have got God; I am ready for something positive!! I would like and am waiting for the sweet feelings of a new hello!
In the first days after learning the truth I listened to several songs that really inspired me. One was from a soundtrack of a play that we saw, one month before our house metaphorically burned down! The song is called Gold, and the lyrics that still resonate are: "if a door be closed, then a row of homes start building".
The old marriage's door is closed. It has a condemned sign on it. We can never go back in there. It's a wasteland and all the emotions that fill it are now buried in its backyard. We have to walk away and start working on our new home, our new persons and our new place.
I love what you gave me in the early years old marriage, but I have to let you go in order to live a happy and truthful life.
Goodbye. I am closing the door and burying the skeletons of sadness in the back.
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